issue during "sex"...
 

my wife and i haven't had sex (intercourse) in over 2 years. we have had oral sex and played with each other on occasion (once or twice a month). as you can tell sexually we're not doing so well.

but i have another problem/question/issue this this... often (4 out 5) times when i make my wife orgasm she breaks into tears. she literally cries and they're not tears of joy, she's genuinely sad and upset. she doesn't know why and she hates it.

she says she feels sad, lonely, unconnected.

she was finally looking forward to getting over this "pain" and i blew it this past Thanksgiving (see my thread of "trust and honest...")

but has anyone experienced sadness and crying after orgasm?

To be fully honest I think therapy is in order for the both of you. I have experienced sad crying after orgasam, but it was because I didn't like who gave me the orgasam, it was a forced orgasam, and there were associated guilt, remorse, and disgust feelings with it (it's a complicated and long story). After that I started faking orgasams...(not anymore I'm long since past and recovered from that time in my life).

The only other time I've cried during orgasam was not too long ago, but it was a cry of joy, release, pleasure and came as a shock to myself and my partner lol (it was a very intimate and loving moment).

I think your wife and yourself may benefit from counselling. Crying during sex out of sadness, lonliness and feeling unconnected are symptoms of an underlying problem that needs to be explored and worked on IMHO before any healing can begin (within yourselves individually and as a couple).

she knows why she's crying. its because of the distance in our relationship. he orgasms don't feel real to her. sure they're physical orgasms but they're not emotionally complete.

she doesn't think that she needs to go to counceling. its me who needs it and once i'm "fixed" she'll feel the connection and all will be good. we were hoping that this would be the case this weekend and i proved her right by emotionally leaving her instead of emotinally engaging her.

Why have you not had sex in 2 years?

She is the one crying not you. So she is the one who should be going to counselling to figure out why. She can't depend on you to fix a problem like that.

dgirl: but its because i'm not connected to her that she's crying. if i were present and connected to her then she wouldn't cry. she would feel loved.

my2girls: not in 2 years. we've only been married for 8 months. each time sex comes up, fears on both sides arise. she fears giving completely to me because she's afraid that i'm going to emotionally leave her and me... well... i keep emotionally leaving her.

I realize that but she should still get counselling. She seems to put everything on you. While you may have codependency issues she still has to have a part, and still needs to have some responsibility in the relationship. You've said that she thinks the problem is "you" and "you" need to fix it. The point of being in a relationship is to grow together. You can only connect with her the best you know how, she has to be able to connect with you in a way you understand as well.

i believe marriage is a two-way street and no problem is fully one-sided. i think the idea of joint counselling is excellent.

if your wife isn't willing to go to a therapist with you, perhaps she'd be willing to come back here for some objective advice from this board. what do you think?

again, i truly don't think your issues are one-sided and fully your responsibility. i think marriage is a joint effort & you should both be obligated to work things thru.

i don't know if i could convince her to come back to this forum. i don't know if that would be a good idea or not right now.

i'll see what i can do though. i really have nothing else to lose at this point.

So why did you get married? I know that sounds insensitive but it seems like you have a ton of issues.

because we thought that the issues had been resolved or were well on their way to being resolved. we were living apart and i was showing signs of being my own man. i was being independant and strong and things were going well.

once she moved back in is when all the codependant things started popping up again. and the more we worked on it and the closer we got the more the problems hurt when they would come up. its exponential... we get close, we fight and go apart, then we get closer and then we have a bigger fight, we then get really close and now we're just about to fall completely apart.

One thing I could suggest is to stop fighting with her. It takes two people to argue/fight. Try just sitting there & listening. Don't let her bait you into a fight, let her finish what she has to say then go show her some affection & tell her you love her.

When you both fight, you both lose.

i can try that but i can almost guarantee you that she would take that as being patronistic.

Yes, she needs patronistic. You have tried everything else.

It depends on how you do it. If you come off smug or fake, of course she could think that.

Just be genuine, tell her you love her too much to fight with her anymore.

Alexander asked me to stop in here...

I do not need patronizing. I need my husband. I want him to be honest with me, I want him to be truthful.

He patronizes me every time he hides things from me.

Yes, I can understand that, Bianca.

The only thing is, we have a hard time seeing it as dishonesty. Maybe you can help us understand. I guess you can see that we are all at a loss, just as you two seem to be. No one can really understand the whole picture. Alexandar is soooooo sad, and I know you are also. I guess it would take a licensed counselor to ever really understand all the issues you have.

Having read all of the two of your threads, I really thing that you all need a change and a big one.

One thing my husband and I were taught in our pre-marraige counseling was that every evening we need to sit down, tv off, no distractions and just talk. No pointing of fingers, no giving of solutions to whatever ails us, just talk about what we are feeling. I can tell you that I have a hard time opening up to my husband about things, for many different reasons, so if its something really uncomfortable for me I write it down and then read it to him.

My suggestion to both of you...find 10 minutes a day to just sit and learn to talk to each other.
Alexandar- if you can't open up to your wife in person for what ever reason, write it down, give it to her or better yet read it to her.

Bianca-write your feelings down as well and talk about them.

For both of you remember to not acuse, don't point fingers and talk about what you are feeling. Keep journals, if you feel comfortable let each other read them if not...DO NOT read the others without permission, this will destroy any trust the other has for you.

I would also suggest counseling. If you can't afford it, go to your local church and talk to a pastor. Find group counseling. The church that my husband and I got married at has a marriage group that meets on a quartly basis, its usually for the newlyweds but many of the couples that have been married for 30+ years show up. I find it to be a great resource as I am able to learn techniques from people who have had a lot more experiece at it.

One other activity that we found to be beneficial is to creat a fun night. We deal with so many stresses on a daily basis besides our relationship that we as couples need to be able to laugh, enjoy each other and reconnect with the person that we love. We try to have one fun evening out every other week. I wish we could do more but with full time jobs, full time school and charity work we end up being very tapped out for our time.

Hopefully some of these suggestions will help the both of you reconnect to each other.

Dear Alexandar and Bianca--

One technique that my wife and I have used over the years is the "microphone" technique. With this technique, we usually go for a walk or someplace private and one person is given exactly 20 minutes to say whatever is on their minds without any interruptions what so ever. No matter how outrageous the claim, or statement, the other person must listen and give affirming feedback--no shaking of the head or negative gestures.

At the end of the 20 minutes, the other person gets to use their twenty minutes however they wish. They may rebutt what was said, or carry on a rant--or whatever they wish to do.

When the second 20 minute period is over, all conversation that is conflict oriented is OVER and may not be brought up again for the rest of the day. Only one "Mr. Microphone" per day.

I encourage both of you to "save-up" your disputes knowing that you'll be discussing them at an agreed upon time.

I can vouch for this technique and I think you'll find it helps to release pent up feelings and anger and provides a structure for airing greivances without keeping the fighting going 24-7.

Would you guys agree to give this a try and report back?

It helped my wife and I during a particularly troublesome spot in our marriage and I'd use it in an instant if things began to "heat" up again.

Many blessings,

David

Hi Alexander,

I've cried after an orgasm, but it was because I was so very happy (it was a wonderfully intimate moment with my hubby).

I can understand her feeling that way with all the issues you and her seem to have, but I also couldn't help but wonder if she's ever been molested or abused in any other way in the past, perhaps in childhood--just something that came to mind; I could be completely off on that.

I haven't responded to any of the other posts because I'm not quite sure how to. They are very confusing, and quite frankly sadden me. When I first found these forums, I didn't really take much time to read the other posts until after I posted and read most of the responses to mine (selfish, but I was in no position to help anyone else anyway). You were so helpful to me and seemed to know exactly what I needed to do (and all your advise was great). My impression of you was of a very nice, insightful, confident, and caring person who has a lot of patience. After reading you're posts about your relationship with your wife, I get a very different impression. It's hard for me to believe you're the same man. You're still very nice and have the patience of a saint, but the insight and confidence I saw in your responses to my posts has gone out the window.

I highly doubt I'm going to be able to help you here, since I'm working on my own troubled marriage. Besides, I couldn't possibly add anything else--you've already gotten many great responses. I can only tell you what I can see from what you and your wife have posted and perhaps that in itself can help in some small way.

It's obvious to me that you love your wife very much unconditionally and try very hard to please her and make your relationship work. She must love you to have married you even with all her doubts about whether you can truly become 'yourself' in her eyes. It's just never a good idea to marry someone in the hope that they will change or 'fix' things. That's just an invitation for disappointment. When you said you haven't had intercourse with her in two years, yet have only been married 8 months, I couldn't understand why you both went through with the marriage. The first year of marriage can be a very difficult adjustment period, but when you start out having major issues, it complicates matters even further.

I'm not sure if we are getting the complete picture here or not. A lot of the things that you say Bianca is getting upset with, seem like non-issues to me (especially the masterbating). I honestly don't see how it's your fault at all. If she's not in the mood, and she says that, than, to me, it would be disrespectful if you ignored that and demanded sex. In that situation, I don't think there is anything wrong with sexually satifying yourself.

Is it true that you don't open up to her or verbalize to her how you feel about certain things like you do on this forum to us? If so, why do you think that is? I know in my situation, it's very difficult for me to talk to my husband because he doesn't want to hear it, thinks I'm overreacting to everything, and/or blaming him. He'd rather ignore issues in the apparent hope that they will go away (and we all know they never do miraculously go away). He would also never come to a forum and express his feelings, etc. You're obviously not like that and appear willing to talk and work things out, so I would guess that she makes it hard for you to open up and discuss your feelings and concerns with her. Is that true?

It just seems like nothing you do makes her happy--you can do no right. She seems to be playing manipulative, emotional games with you and when you go along, she loses respect and gets more disgusted because you're not being 'yourself'.

The fact that she doesn't want to talk to you any more, is ready to leave, doesn't want you to kiss her, etc.. . . how is that supposed to help?

Ok, here goes, you can take or leave this advice, since it's coming from someone that's no expert in marriage and relationships, but I think you need to have a heart to heart with her, get everything out that's been bothering you (not her), and stop playing her games and going along with her 'tests'. Stiffen that spine of yours, tell her you love her and want to work things out with her, but that you won't play games. Sheesh, if my husband put 1/10th of the effort in our relationship that you put in your's I'd be ecstatic! She needs to lighten up a bit (ok, a LOT), allow you to make mistakes and love you anyway! And you need to stop beating yourself up over nothing.

I really do hope you both work everything out and can move on to a much more functional relationship where you both find comfort and intimacy with each other, instead of chaos and heartache.

Thanks everyone for your responses. i don't know if Bianca has been on tonight to read what you all had to say. i just got home from my 2nd job and she's in the bedroom right now but we haven't seen each other at all this evening.

MyQuest: to answer your question about not being able to open up to her. i would love to do that! i try over and over and over! but i don't know what to talk about. on these forums i have specific topics to talk about and specific questions to answer. but at home i don't have anything specific.

i try to remember things that have happened to me over the course of the day and tell my wife about them but it ends up sounding like a report instead of a commentary. so i ask her what happened in her day and as she talkes i ask questions to draw out more information. by the end of her talking she feels drained instead of energized because instead of adding to her story i just kept pulling and pulling for more.

so i try to add more feeling to my "reports" and not draw so much from her stories and just let her tell it like it is. and that has really helped in our conversations. but there are still times where i just draw a blank, and now i try to just talk about drawing a blank in my mind which usually brings up something interested to talk about.

so recently i've been able to say more and have better conversations with Bianca.

really we were doing quite well up until Thanksgiving. and that mistake really opened all the old floodgates and we're back to square one.

If you have specific topics to talk about on this forum have you ever considered discussing those specific topics with her?

i just started to consider that in the past 24 hours when it was brought to my attention that what i'm saying in this forum are things that i really should be saying to my wife. i never realized that i was saying things on this forum that i should have been saying to my wife.

IMO you shouldn't have any secrets from your spouse. My SO could come on here and read everything I've ever written and I'd be OK with it. It's the only way to have fully open communication. A lot of times it's good to get outside feedback - other's opinions - but if you can't say it to your spouse you should really ask yourself why.

i'm not trying to keep secrets from my wife. i invited her to come and participate on this forum and freely read everything that i have posted.

i didn't realize that i was saying things on this forum that i should have been saying to my wife. i wasn't trying to hide anything from her, at least not consciencly.

Sorry, that's not what I meant. I didn't express myself correctly. Not that you are keeping secrets, but that anything you discuss here you should be discussing at home.

So if you need to come here for outside advice that is understandable but at the end of it all the only way to resolve anything you post about is to actually speak to your wife about the issue.

yes, this is what i intend to do... if i have the opporutnity.

Make the opportunity, Alexander. If she truly loves you, it will mean the world to her.

You haven't had sex for two years and you have been married for only eight months? Did you two think that marriage was going to solve any of your relationship problems? Alexandar, I used to think that you were in need of manhood lessons. Now I am thinking that you two need to learn how to comunicate.

Bianca, you say that you want Alexandar to be truthful and honest. What will that take? Are we talking emotions here? Some guys are not real connected with their emotions. They have feelings but don't know how to express them. They also look at how their feelings are being received. Is there a critical atmosphere floating around? Let him know that you can take everything he can dish out and still love him.

Alexandar, are you afraid of hurting Bianca? She sounds like a tough chick. Give her what you feel with both barrels. If an argument ensues, at least she will feel like she is getting what you feel in your gut. Quit trying to protect her from the real you. Either she can handle it or not. Give her the chance.

Glen: when i said that we haven't had sex in 2 years i was wrong. we did have sex on our wedding night. we haven't had "regular" sex in 2 years.

and yes, it is a "sharing emotions" problem. i'm working on it.