From him to me, back to him....

[Randy53215]

NOTE: This is going to be a huge post, but please follow along closely and see if you can help me.

Ok let me first start by introducing myself... My name is Randy Brown I live in Greenfield Wisconsin, I go to school at ITT-Technical Institute and I'm on my second year. My birthday is today (or will be in like a few hours from now) Aug. 26th 1988 (20 years old).

Let me first start by saying i'd like the best advice I can get... I used to forum a lot more than now and I hated seeing tldr (Too long don't read) posts. Now onto my HUGE problem....


-- Ages --

Me (Randy) 20
Her (Ericka) 18
Tyler 18

-- Relationship Status --

On and Off dating?

-- Length of time together --

Known each other since March of 08
Started dating June 12 3:25 AM.

-- Children Involved --

None

Ill get into the other specifics later...

Ok so I met this Ericka girl in March at a friends dads funeral. She was dating this Tyler guy at the time, she dated him for 3 years while in high school. The first year or so claimed to be good but then it was on and off like a pair of socks. First time I ever talked to her she was crying and she was venting to me about this guy. (I'm easy at giving advice for others but not myself for some reason) So I got her number that night and started texting her and things seemed to be going great and eventually we started dating.. but before I get too far ahead, when she was single (as in broken up with him and talking to me) she worked at Target and every week or so everyone at Target gets together and such. Well one night I got a phone call, it was her saying that her co-workers and "team lead" wanted to meet me. So me being ambitious and outgoing I said sure, so I went and met them and then later on we went out to BW3's with people from the store. They all liked me.

Ericka and I started fooling around (sex and such) in the beginning of June and everything seemed to be on the right track. Her birthday was June 8th and she had a party. I got her a huge thing of flowers and a new belly button ring (keep in mind we weren't dating at the time..) and later in the night he shows up. It ****ed me off I wanted to fight him so bad it was ridiculous but out of respect for her, her mom, family and her house I didn't. He ended up leaving and whatnot but yeah.

So I had a party a few days later and we started dating that night June 12, 2008 3:25 AM.

Everything was amazing while we were dating, we'd go mini-golfing, bike rides (motorcycle), watch movies together (my house and the theaters), grocery shopping, errands, etc... Well some point in mid June I got a text along the lines of "I know you prolly don't want to hear this but I want a break because I don't know what I want with life and etc." A couple days go by and we get back together. Then July 4th week comes about. I go camping with her WHOLE family pretty much and they all really liked me it was for about 6 days. It was a great time esp being with her and her family. We get back on a Sunday when Summerfest was going on (huge music festival in Milwaukee, biggest in the world) so somehow we were mad at eachother and she went down with her friends and me and some buddies went by ourselves (I didn't know she was going to be down there). But she ended up ditching me to go get alcohol so I decided it would be best to leave because she wasn't giving much attention to me. Later I heard from friends that she was hanging all over my friend Aaron (in a relationship kinda matter) I sent a text to her saying "We're ****ing done" and one to him saying "What the ****ing are you doing man?" or something along those lines... so another week goes by were back together.

Couple weeks of us being together go by again everything is perfect as always when we're together I had a grill out the Saturday before all this happened that I'm about to tell you. We invited all our friends and it was sooo perfect. The Tuesday came up and she was acting really weird but later she texted me saying "I know you don't want to hear this but I really need a break to figure out what I want to do with my life." And things have been bouncing back and forth now for a while esp lately and after the break that occurred on Tuesday sometime a week or two after she ended up having sex with Tyler (her ex) twice. We started hanging around each other again and like always it was perfect... But Tyler calls after we get out of the movie theater yelling at her about why she's with me. So later on that night she ends up going over there to talk to him and he basically said "make a decision me or Randy" 45 mins go by roughly and she chose me and she came back her crying her eyes out and I was just hugging her assuring her everything was going to be ok and such. I asked her several times if she thinks she made a mistake and she said no. Day after she goes to see her therapist and she says she has to stay single because we were both being selfish about how she felt and everything. We ended getting back together August 16th later to break up on the 18th. Tyler was leaving for school on the 16th and she told me it would make everything a lot easier for her to keep him out of her life and to keep me in her life. But we went to a brewer game on Monday the 18th and he was texting her while we were there and she said she only wanted a friendship and whatnot to him and that he wasn't the Tyler that she fell in love with. So we broke up AGAIN and whatnot I had a party for my birthday on the 22nd and she came. She wrote me a letter saying it wasn't fair to keep trying to be with me when her heart belongs to him. It gets better.... so on the 22nd they were still classified together. Her and I made out twice each time for like 10 minutes that night, she was grinding (dancing) all over me and she told me she was thinking about calling him and ending it again and whatnot. She told me she did love me and she didn't know how to tell me and such. But all this passes by and here we are but yesterday the 24th I got a call from her saying "It's never going to work between us and blah blah blah" then I was just listing off key points on how this guy is not the right choice for her because of what he's done in the past and how he's treated her. (He's cheated on her, hit her, etc) So she ends up putting him on the phone and I wasn't about to let him get through to me by saying stupid **** so I just kept repeating "Is that why her and I were making out on Friday" and such then I finally had enough of him and asked him "Where the **** are you" and he responded "Why does it matter" and I replied "Because I want to pound your ****ing face in and take a **** on it" then he hung up.

But key points... All her friends realize I am a way better choice then this guy. Her family absolutely hates this guy and they like me. She's attached to him for four reasons I can think of... Her first love (3 years), she lost her virginity to him, she had their life planned out, his family is like her family.

I just need help on figuring out on what I can do to make her realize that what she is doing is wrong and that if we are together I will do everything to make it right like I have done before. I don't want to just "get over her" I want to be with her, there is something about her that is different from all my other ex's.

Something that I wrote her on facebook because she was ignoring my text's and calls...

[Randy53215]

This was sent Aug 20th..

Hey Ericka, how are you doing babe? I know that things are really rough right now and I am hoping they work themselves out, thats why I told you if there were ever doubts that we talked about it and tried to fix it instead of just saying screw it. You mentioned Tyler's aunt saying that she didn't regret one bit leaving a man she thought was one that she wanted to be with and turns out she is really happy. I want you to be happy and with all of my heart I want to tell you it's to be with me. I want to make you happy and grow together. I want to be your hero, your superman, and more! I wish there was something that could be done to make this easier for you, I can only imagine how confused you are but in the same respect I'm pretty confused too. I have been willing to work things out and commit myself to you (like I have before) and be everything you wanted and everything you need. It's hard to wait around for something that you know may never happen. But it's even harder to give up when you know its everything that you want. I know you know how I feel but I want to help get through this as much as possible and move forward with all this. I am sorry for everything I may have done wrong. The past few days when we were together holding each-other were amazing, seeing you, holding you, kissing you. I don't want to loose it. When I think of my future I can honestly say that I see you in it. But a relationship is a two way street I hope that you can see it too. College is probably really messing with your head too, but I can promise I will always be here for you and if you ever needed anything you know I would be there as fast as possible. College is supposed to be fun but its supposed to be a lot more serious than fun. I think the comment I made the other day at the Brewer game may have made you ****ed referring to if you met someone up there and told me how I would react. But say we were together and I mentioned something like that would you not get irritated? And maybe I did over-react about you talking to Tyler but in the same sense you were going to change your number to avoid this. Ericka you're a very strong woman. All I can do is offer myself to you and it's your decision to take it or not. I'm hoping you take it. I know you want to make everyone happy and everyone wishes everyone was happy. Tyler and I both want to be with you. You tried a long term relationship with Tyler and unfortunately it didn't work great. When we were together everything was so perfect I couldn't ask for anything more whatsoever. The time we spend/t together feel so right and not one ounce of wrong, I feel like we've been together for a really long time. With that being said there are some things I would like to share with you...

I don't think you will
ever fully understand
how you've touched my life
and made me who I am.

I don't think you could ever know
just how truly special you are
that even on the darkest nights
you are my brightest star.

I don't think you will ever fully comprehend
how you've made my dreams come true
or how you've opened my heart
to love and the wonders it can do.

You've allowed me to experience
something very hard to find
unconditional love that exists
in my body, soul, and mind.

I don't think you could ever feel
all the love I have to give
and I'm sure you'll never realize
you've been my will to live.

You are an amazing person
and without you I don't know where I'd be.
Having you in my life
completes and fulfills every part of me.

(Fun Fact: This was written by an Erica, yeah I know no k but still Erica)

I'm still here waiting for the day where you come back and jump into my arms. Honestly what would make me overwhelmed with joy and happiness is if someday you show up at my house (when I'm not home, but will be home soon) and I get home come inside you jump into my arms and tell me that you want to be with me. I have been thinking about this scenario for a long time.

I looked up our love horoscope and got this...

When Gemini and Virgo come together in a love affair, it's crucial to the survival of the relationship that they take time to learn about one another's approach to life and love -- and remember that both partners' attitudes are worth understanding! Gemini is symbolized by the Twins; they can see both sides of a story, they tend to vacillate between two courses of action and sometimes they can seem as if they have a split personality! This relationship is greatly strengthened when steady Virgo provides one Twin with a steady emotional anchor while allowing the other Twin to flit about at will. Virgo may be a bit too serious and demanding for Gemini, especially if this occurs early in the relationship before Gemini has fully committed. If Virgo just gives it time, things will smooth out.
Virgo and Gemini's approaches to life are seemingly so different that mutual acceptance can be hard to come by -- especially since Virgo tends to be so critical and exacting. Gemini strains against Virgo's ultra-practical stance in the world, and Virgo tires quickly of Gemini's flighty ways. They do have much to teach one another, however. Virgo can help Gemini to be more involved in life and to see the depth of ideas rather than simply the surface. Gemini can help bring fun and excitement into Virgo's life.
Both Signs are ruled by the Planet Mercury (Communication). Gemini represents the masculine aspect of Mercury, Virgo the feminine (Mercury itself is androgynous). Virgo wants a dependable partner and therefore uses the penchant for clear communication toward forming the perfect relationship. Gemini is more intellectually focused than Virgo but does have a gift in relating to others.

If I could be anything in the world i'd be your tear so I could be born in your eyes, live down your cheek and die on your lips. Ericka this has never been so obvious for me before, I want to spend my life with you. Now grant it I may not be your first love, but I do want to be your last! With that I leave this all in your hands, I don't know whats going to come of all this but I've been praying and hoping that it's being with you.
Love, Randy Nickolas Brown

I also just pondered about your fortune cookie, Stop looking for happiness its right next to you. I want you to stop having doubts about everything because I promise to do my best to make everything right. Another thing that I cannot fathom is how much we have in common. I feel like I've known you for years on end. I don't know if something I said, did, or whatever scared you but I honestly want to know what is possible to make this all work out and for both of us to be happy. You are everything I could ask for and more, the only problems we had is the one time at Summerfest that I highly regret and the times where Tyler got in the middle. You told me that Tyler is leaving for college and that it would make everything easier but I think since he said if you talked to me he doesn't want to be in your life. I think thats very immature he should wish for you to be happy because I know you wish the same for him. And I can assure you he will be happy because I'm sure someone will come into his life just how we came into each others. The other day you told me...

"Hey dear. I just wanted to say that I had fun last night and i miss all the great times we had. But i can promise you there will be more so no worries. I hope your enjoying your sleep right now cuz you won't move a muscle. haha Well have a very good day and i'll see ya later."

Maybe I took that wrong but when you said you can promise there will be more so don't worry it put a smile that could light up the nighttime sky on my face. Let's put all this bull**** behind us and move forward into our lives.

Does anyone have any advice that will help me get her back and get her back for good? Oh shes going to college at the university of Oshkosh which is about a hour and half away from me and Tyler. Tyler doesn't have a car and I do (and a bike) and she isn't taking her car up there so I'm thinking it's not going to last. And it hasn't in the past anyways. Everyone of her friends say give a few days and they will break up.

Her reply to my message on facebook was...

Randy Nickolas

Since we didn't talk this out, I thought I owed you an explanation for all this. First off I am so so sorry, if you'll even believe that. I know I said a lot and didn't keep to my work. I do like you and enjoy your company, but a relationship isn't going to work. I know that isn't what you wanted to hear, but if we keep this up we are just going to repeat all this over and over. That is not fair to you one bit and you deserve someone who will give you their whole heart. I'm sorry but that girl is not me. Ill always be here for you as a friend, if you ever need anything and I hope you'll be there for me too. Sorry I didn't give you the answer you wanted, but my friendship is all I can offer you right now and its up to you to take it or leave it. I wish you the best of luck with everything and a very happy birthday!

Ericka

P.S. You'll be just fine, I promise you that.

What do I do?

[keithl1978]

WOW man ... my eyes are hurting trying to read all that! You've given people more than enough to think about - now it's time for you to stop telling and doing .... start listening.

I don't know what you call expert opinion, i'll give you my take and you can run with it or ignore me and carry on how you are going.

Here's the first thing I want you to think about: I appreciate you want to give us the info so we can help, but a Charles ****ens novel suggests to me that you care about this situation just a little bit way too much. I hate to use the word 'obsession' because you might take it the wrong way ... some of your behaviour is obsessive.

You still reading? or being angry that I don't whistle your tune and type what you want to read? I want to help you:

Behaviours like trying to get family on side, controlling a girl away from exes and other male 'threats' don't work. If they work for 2-3 days then at least thats something ... long term you drive the SO further away from you.

Now i'm gonna give you some credit ... you must have something about you that causes this girl to be attracted to you and keep coming back to you etc ... can you figure out what that is? I'll bet a few dollars its got something to do with being 'yourself.'

When you turn into 'Mr Obsessive, Kill the EX ... never let go of this girl or my life is finished without her' (or words to that effect) YOU stop being that person that she's attracted to ... you stop being YOURSELF. Get it?

Go back to WHO you were before you met her ... how did you behave then? Can you see the behaviours that you have started since you met this girl? - If you can see where you are trying too hard etc then great.

Okay onto my next point (and yes my response is getting longer ... but hey you owe it to yourself to read a long post like you typed :P )

Tyler - Oh I bet you like reading his name. Okay let's nail this before its too late. 'Other Guys' exist ... FACT ... there is nothing you can do about it, apart from one thing ... Whats that? ... KEEP HER ATTRACTED TO YOU. Don't moan or complain when they mention another guy or say how funny he is or whatever. IF she wanted to be with him she'd have made that choice and you'd have been set free... it wasn't meant to be and we all move on. It really is that simple. Stop worrying about the ex and start concentrating on enjoying this relationship before its too late.

My advice (if I have to give you some) ... STOP thinking of reasons why the relationship might end. Think about having a great time instead. STOP worrying about what other guys say and do ... you have no control over a womans mind or decisions ACCEPT THAT .. instead work 0n what you can do ATTRACT by being the guy she fell for.. whatever that looks like (you know the answer to that one :-) ). STOP trying to control and influence other people when it comes to your relationship - EG HER FAMILY and AARON your friend ... and before you bite my head off think about the similarity between the two: You have tried to use both to influence things with your GF.

Finally, you sound like a very caring guy who wants to be happy and there is nothing wrong with that. Just try and realise that you get no extra points for being nice, you can buy a girl flowers but it does not guarantee that she will give you what you want ... but as guys we do what our mothers tell us, rather than what is right (think about that one hehe ).

If you can only do one thing: STOP caring too much about what happens, just enjoy your age and what you have today. Things move fast in this world and there is no time to sit around and ever fully reflect on everything (unless you are an old age pensioner in a nursing home I suppose :-) ). Enjoy having fun and see what happens, just realise that NOTHING you do comes with any guarantees of success but there's PLENTY you can do wrong that will result in failures no end. Enjoy your girl and shut the negatives out of the way.

Hope this helps.

Keith

[Majidah]

I don't like to be the bearer of an unpromising opinion, but you aren't the first who has come on this forum with a story about being used and abused by a girl, then asking how you can stay in her good graces long enough to be abused some more. The inevitable last line is, "Don't tell me to leave her because I can't. I need advice on how to keep her".

You're being played by a girl who loves to be in love, loves the back and forth of guys fighting over her, to the point of getting you two on the phone together. She is an attention ______, fill in the blank. Whatever it is that makes her so perfect in your eyes is something you're never going to get from her. You might want to check back in, oh, say 10 years to see if she's grown up by then. Maybe, maybe not. But she hasn't grown up enough yet to deal with the feelings and attentions of boys in any responsible way. So I'm going to say what you don't want to hear. Drop her. One part of growing up is to not let yourself be used by the weakest part of a woman. I don't want to see you ruined by being jerked around, and then be bitter about all of us women for the rest of your life. It's your choice. You can avoid this treatment. It's essential that you do for your own growth and sense of self-respect.

[wmlw373]

What you do is cut it off with this manipulator and move on.

She has no respect for you at all; she's makes out with your friend and your back together a week later? If she really liked you, she'd forget about this other guy. At best, it sounds to me she's keeping you on stand-by just in case it doesn't work out with Tyler. Do you really want to be a stand-by guy? If so, just flush any respect she had for you left down the toilet.

Narcissistic, shallow, manipulative ... three strikes. She's out.

You're 20 years old, way too young to be obsessive about one girl. Go out. Be with friends. Enjoy your youth. And maybe in the process you'll find the right girl.

[Sami]

dude, this chick sounds completely confused! Perhaps she really DOES care about you, but on the otherhand, look how she's playing with your feelings and emotions. She has told you way too many times that this relationship isn't going to work out.. Respect her decision. Leave her alone. You are far too young to be having to deal with this sort of back and forth crap. Seems to me that whenever she is confused or irritated or whatever with this Tyler dude - she comes running to you.
Smell the coffee Randy - this chick is a user and a manipulator.

Of course, these are just my opinions.
Good luck!

[facetious]

Originally Posted by Randy53215

So me being ambitious and outgoing I said sure, so I went and met them and then later on we went out to BW3's with people from the store. They all liked me.

I go camping with her WHOLE family pretty much and they all really liked me it was for about 6 days.

All her friends realize I am a way better choice then this guy. Her family absolutely hates this guy and they like me.

First question, why do you think it is important for others to like you and how do you think this is relevant to your relationship?

Originally Posted by Randy53215

I just need help on figuring out on what I can do to make her realize that what she is doing is wrong and that if we are together I will do everything to make it right like I have done before.

First of all, right or wrong isn’t your call, it is her decision to make. If you are a true friend, then simply point things out but don’t attach your own judgment. Also, I am a bit curious about this superman syndrome where you think you can come and save the day. I understand your intentions are good but you only have known this woman for a few months and all of a sudden, you know what is good for her? I am not sure if I would agree with this approach.

Originally Posted by Randy53215

I got her a huge thing of flowers and a new belly button ring (keep in mind we weren't dating at the time..) and later in the night he shows up. It ****ed me off I wanted to fight him so bad it was ridiculous but out of respect for her, her mom, family and her house I didn't.

What about out of respect for yourself? Since you weren’t even dating at the time, why are you even angry? Help me understand why.

[jerseygirl]

She told you her heart belongs to someone else. That is your cue to exit, I'm afraid. You are saying how can I convince her she shouldn't stay with someone who hurts her, yet you are doing exactly that. If you want to show her how to have self-respect and be with only people who cherish us, then do it by example, by walking away.