Going back to an Ex

I dated this guy twice before. The first time it didn't work out b/c we were in "different places", the second time was the same sort of thing. We were on and off for a year and then we didn't see each other for a year. After the last break up, which was hurtful to me in a lot of ways, I wrote him off until a few months ago when our paths crossed again. First we started hanging out as friends, then the"feelings" came back. I told him a week ago that I still have feelings for him. I asked what he thought and the answer seemed typical guy " I don't know. I haven't thought of it really." We've hung out since then and I even slept over there the other night, although nothing happened besides a few spooches and drunken fondeling. I can't help but wonder if this is a good idea. I have made a true attempt to get rid of my old ideas about who he is and what our relationship was like THEN. It's been a year, we're different people now. He's one of those "let's see where things go" and I'm one of those "I need to know where we're going." Needless to say the "relationship" conversations are difficult for me to have with him. I don't really know if things have changed with him, me or what the relationship could be. I think something good could come out of this relationship, we keep being drawn to it, but how do we avoid the same issues - ex. like me wanting to define the relationship while he is just letting it happen or me wanting to be a priority in his life when he feels like his biggest priority needs to be his job (a six days a week, 8 hr job). Most of all, how do I even talk about the past "issues" with someone who seems uncomfortable talking about it? I want to try to make this work and I don't want to push anything too fast since we've already been down this path twice before, but I can't help wanting to come into the situation as honestly as possible. Any advice?

We are going threw the same thing. I got back with my ex and things are up in the air. hes not ready yet but yet wants me when he wants me... I feel for you.. Me i think if you love someone enough you should try and fight for the relationshipa nd if that is what you want then tell him.

[Vixen_2003]

Im not trying to say I understand what you're feeling but Ive had an ex that I seemed to always end up getting back with.
I knew he was wrong for me (he had a lot of drug related problems)
I always believed his sob stories of how he'd changed (I guess in my heart I wanted to believe him so bad that I tricked myself into believing him) but eventually (after the 5th time taking him back) I admitted defeat, I realised we would never go anywhere as a couple and he wouldnt change for me,no matter how much I wanted him to (he had to do it for him!) all my friends told me I was being stupid each time I took him back,but in my heart I thought if only I could make him see how much I loved him,I could help him. But he was the only person who could help him. I havnt seen him for about 6 months (It would be too hard on the both of us (too many memories)) but I hear he is doing ok and I would rather he got on with his life and was happy than going through the heartache I appear to cause him (well thats how I feel anyway, he tells me its not me that causes the pain but when we get together it's too confusing for him)

I am by no means saying you should give up on you're ex tho, I dont know what the "issues" are you talk of but they are obviously personal and painful to you.

All Im trying to say (and probably not in a very good way, Im sorry) is that you have to start wondering if it's worth all the pain (for both of you) tho I hope that in this case it is (I like hearing happy endings, it gives me hope!)

I understand the feelings of longing when you see an ex (especially if you never truly got over them) and sometimes the good times outshine the bad (and blind you) and you think to yourself "yes this time it WILL be different!" but it doesnt always work that way.

You need to let him know you are there for him as a friend and tread carefully, if you jump in feet first you may lose him. You need to be patient (however hard it may seem) and evaluate the situation :
* has he changed.
* will it be different this time.
* were you happy during the time you didnt seen him.
* is it really worth the pain and heartache.

If you're answers satisfy you (truthfully) then you need to hold on. But if you're uncertain then maybe it's time to admit to yourself that you're not meant to be together and let him go.

Sorry if I offended you/ upset you/ confused you in any way (I seem to manage this when giving out advise) but Im only advising you judged on what little I know of the situation. There is only one person who TRULY knows the answer, and that's you!

[keithl1978]

I really feel for you one this one, I know what it's like to have strong feelings for someone and not know exactly what you're getting back in return. I've also experienced ending up with the same partner again and again for a period of around four years! Yes, four years until it was finally put to rest.

In my case it was more about getting back together because of what you know, I can't remember thinking like that at the time but it was easy. Sounds like a bit of a users remark but for me it wasn't like that, more of a try again attitude.

You know what it's like being with that person for all the good and the bad aspects. I suppose I'm saying that for some people it must be more of a convenience to go back to an ex rather than a planned emotional decision, and for others the feelings always there and they can't hide the fact that they love that person.

Maybe this guys just trying to figure that one out for himself!

IMO, trust your instincts and follow your heart, if you have true feelings for someone, tell them. But tread carefully to start with and look out for any negative emotion.

[keithl1978]

Something I wanted to add! (Sorry! LOL)

You mentioned about past issues, I had a conversation about this with my partner not so long ago and we were talking about things that had happened with ex's, pretty bad stuff infact. Thing is that we both agreed to stop this after about five minutes because it was going way too deep and we also agreed that what happened in our own past history shouldn't have any bearing on what goes on now. Unless we personally want to reveal all and discuss it should be left.

The thing is if you already know stuff, maybe the logic should be the same. Even though there's been 'issues' in the past, unless they have an importance now they should be left.

Would you be thinking about theses 'issues' if it were someone different? (I'll leave that with you!)